You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
You Might Also Like
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
#Caturday
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.