Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
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I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
“The Perfect Relationship”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”