In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
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Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
There’s always that one guy
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*