Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
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Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now