lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
You Might Also Like
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
A short story about romance.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend