“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
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Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Can. I. Help. You.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach