Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
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Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Air conditioning – not a fan
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.