I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
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11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Speak now or ever hold your peace
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.