Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
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I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay