PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
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Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
why no one uses midhusbands
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.