modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.