modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th