Attention children:
Mom is closed.
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You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
seems fine
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
What a chick magnet..