Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
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I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?