I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
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If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Lucky old June.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.