I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

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Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Tired parents


if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.


FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.


Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.


If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.


This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour


Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.


Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.


My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.