@3sunzzz

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

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@jimdemonakos

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

@envydatropic

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

@decentbirthday

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

@tastefactory

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

@_The_Leftovers_

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

@Smethanie

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

@TheHyyyype

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

@YourMomsucksTho

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

@Birdhumms

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.