Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
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Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.