Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
You Might Also Like
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to