we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
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Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Trumpy Cat
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
this is the best day of my life
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.