I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
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SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.