I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
You Might Also Like
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house