my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
You Might Also Like
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.