@soyourelikethat

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

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@dorsalstream

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

@lmegordon

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

@RealDMK

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

@WilliamAder

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

@sixfootcandy

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

@riot4rach

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

@wildethingy

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

@coolauntV

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

@KeetPotato

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

@clichedout

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a