What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
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– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.