Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
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It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.