Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
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I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.