Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR