I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
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who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Did my cat write this
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
The photographer’s assistant