The photographer’s assistant
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What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Good Morning.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.