the worm is coming from inside the brain
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After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Mmmm canned fish.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
😂🤣😂🤣
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I only treason on days ending in y
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.