the worm is coming from inside the brain
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me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
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Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*