If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
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“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree