Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
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And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
set yourself free xox
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*