“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.