If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
You Might Also Like
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth