When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
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ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.