No point crayon over spilled milk.
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Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
#Caturday
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.