I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
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Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.