Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
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Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private