Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
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[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
True?
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti