What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
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I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom