My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
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*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
My first son he is wonderful
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
He took my last fry, your honor
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.