He took my last fry, your honor
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Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
when nothing goes right… go left
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Wait a minute…
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].