There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
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I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?