There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
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ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
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I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.