Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.