Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
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The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?![]()
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[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said