@Shariv67

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

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@JimmerThatisAll

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

@TravLeBlanc

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

@kelkulus

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

@RealPrincessKim

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

@thtchicmichelle

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

@TEXASVETERAN

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

@brookeisgolden

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.