Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
You Might Also Like
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
thank god
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“OMGJK” -atheists
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid