Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.