At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
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I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…