A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
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[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
also my go-to takeaway order
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.