A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
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A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice