I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
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Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE