The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
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“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works