If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
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A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
dutch is not a serious language
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Happy Caturday!
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow